In all seriousness though, the last couple of weeks have been a doozie. Or rather, I've been a doozie. I've been struggling quite a bit, and then struggling with the fact that I am struggling when I have so much to be thankful for and several close friends dealing with real, actual, intense, painful life situations. Trust me, I've spent entirely too much time laboring over the mental gymnastics of it all, then guilting and un-guilting myself.
So I have no intense life situations here. What I do have is the typical exhaustion that comes from having a newborn (I would kill for a good night's sleep right about now!! Please GOD let him start sleeping so I can feel sane again.) and then the growing pains of trying to figure out life with a four year old, a two year old and a newborn. (i.g.: Preschool drop off. Navigating the stroller down those crowded, narrow halls with the other two trailing behind, plus the two backpacks and two lunch boxes and nap mat... Or figuring out how on earth one is supposed to cook dinner while simultaneously meeting the needs of three small people? Or what to do when they all three need something at once?) Besides being exhausted and feeling like I'm never, ever alone (my trip to the dentist all by myself was the absolute highlight of my Tuesday), a lot of it just boils down to me trying to find my grove with another kid in the mix. Add that to the fact that Nick is working a lot of 12 hour days with his new job for the time being, and it feels like the two of us are simultaneously running on a hamster wheel.
So that's the first layer, and just beneath that, what seems to be bubbling up to the surface is a pretty ugly case of insecurity. It's weird because insecurity isn't something I've particularly struggled with since about junior high. (And it's not because I've ever had some sort of rock hard body or a steel trap mind, let's be clear on that.) I've struggled with all kinds of other things, but insecurity really wasn't one. Pretty much, I am who I am and what you see is what you get.
But not lately. First, it's physical insecurity. It's not hard to surmise why, after three kids, there are some things I'm not loving about my body these days. I swear I look around and everyone I know weighs 110 lbs. and is in the process of training for an Iron Man while simultaneously drinking their Shakeology. Meanwhile I've got a belly full of jello, stretch marks and milk stains on my shirt and spit up in my hair. So clichè but in fact, the truth.
Second is insecurity about my role and life in general. This is more unchartered territory for me. I overhear Nick on important work calls with important men and women and celebrate his career taking off. I watch friends excel at their jobs and their passions. I read about people adopting children across the world or starting up incredible non-profits. And it's just like... well... I can talk to you about eczema creams and breastfeeding. I changed about 15 diapers today.
I'm sure all of this sounds incredibly ridiculous and dramatic and it's not in any way a ploy for sympathy. This is just where I'm at mentally these days with a new baby and Nick's new job and not a lot of sleep. I do know this is just a season, sleep will come, and at some point, my world will start to feel right side up again. In the meantime, there are these incredibly gorgeous and over the top thoughtful flowers from Nick. He really is the best EVER! I'm so very lucky he's mine.
One of my very favorite things of all from this week, besides my beautiful flowers, are these precious, precious notes Logan has taped in all of our bedrooms.